Providence

                                                                                   On the road
                                                                              full of thorns
                                                                           i am finding
                                                                        patches
                                                                       of grass
                                                                         and barefeet
                                                                            strumming
                                                                                next to you

           next to You

       and accepting
      that
        this road
               will not
                be carved
              by me
      yet I am free 
                                                                                    to lift my head,
                                                                                  Unabashed,
                                                                                     Move ahead,
                                                                                        and embrace
                                                                                           t he way
                                                                                            You've got it
                                                                                            jotted
                                                                                          down,
                                                                                                   
                                                                                                 (instead)

the lines will never be yellow again
forever stained
black and red
by the touch of
this
neverending nightmare

without name

Little one,
I did
have dreams for you.
Memories now
of things
forever
Unhappened.

Missing
photos, squirms,
the
black and white
sketch,
and yet,

I watched myself
cradle you
     pinkandblue
and fight
with daddy to keep you close at night.

And Still,

I saw myself
crouched low,
tying your shoe,
and teaching you how to,
the way I've taught
so many
others

           that were never mine.

I won't see that clearly again.
When the stars are out,
             
          I will know the clouds now.

And how
You
could never
belong
to
Me.


 

Life Support

how could i forget
the way you looked at me then?
happy for the happiness that brought you fear

and then when the fears actualized,
how,
in the hospital beside me,
allsixfeetfourinchesofyou
was smashed into the chair
where you sat for hours
stroking my hair
and trying to pull the sadness out of me

"I have never loved you more"

and standing and demanding
that they care as much as you did.

And in the days to follow
your needs went unremembered,
so that you could eat my tears
and bring me flowers
and promise all I'd ever want
would arrive
"on a silver platter"
if I just said the word.

In the evening I reflect on it.
How
Your love
was
My Only Oxygen
for days.


 

Perdiendo

on Sunday
there was a blue stick
and
green paper
with ink fears and promises
on it
and knees squeezed between
chapel chairs
and prayers,

On Monday
there was singing and
and trembling
and wonder
and Imperial Chicken
and layers of gold
glowing 'round her head,

On Tuesday
there was a clanging
in the clock tower
and time stood still for days
while well meaning
friends summoned hope
that could only betray,

On Thursday,
late into night,
the porcelain dream took flight,
leaving
almost at once,
(except for the screaming
and hours of blood)
and she was left
empty
in places
that she
now longed to
never be full again.